Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
