it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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