im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize