no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
