I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize