Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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