I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
