Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize