my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize