worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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