I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
