the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize