I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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