I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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