I'd wear matching sweaters with you
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
