You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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