I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
