Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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