Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
