ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
