You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
