I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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