So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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