I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
