I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
