Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
