Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
