Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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