Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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