Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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