My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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