We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
