Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
