remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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