yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
