All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
