Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
