Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize