if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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