At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize