Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
