i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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