I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
