She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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