what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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