She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
