Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
