nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Randomize
