it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
