So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
