3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
