Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
