This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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