Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize