I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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