you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
