I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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